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The Devil Makes Work For Idle Hands...

Posted on 2008.02.07 at 22:18
Ok, it's been a fair old while since I posted on here.

Shit has indeed, been happening...

I broke up with sarah, and a day or two later, she moved in with me and my family without any kind of concern for my feelings about it from anyone. All I got was a "You're okay with this, right?" AFTER she'd already moved in.
I responded by pointing out that it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference if I wasn't ok with it, and that since this had all been done and decided without my knowledge, let alone my consent, I had no choice in the matter and that as such, even asking me that question was completely pointless.

Ever since, she's been driving me fucking crazy. I swear, if she tells me to smile one more time I'll kick a hole through a brick wall with a puppy tied to my shoe.

My temporary contract ran out at tesco, so I'm back on the 'ole job market again. Went for a scary as hell interview at Cafe Rouge the other day. Suffice to say, it wasn't for me, but there are other opportunities. Now that I'm old enough to be able to be taken seriously in an office job, I can start looking for comfortable work with advancement opportunities instead of the dead-end, stupid-hat-wearing jobs I've had all my life.

I'd love to get back behind a bar of some description. I loved being a bartender, and what's more, I was fuckin' good at it too.

The garage conversion is progressing at snail's pace, with a snag at every step of the way, be it incompetent plasterers, wiring problems, or simply running out of paint, and is now well over 2 months behind schedule. At this point, anyone would be forgiven for wondering if this job will ever be complete, but it is true, however that it is moving, even if only in tiny tiny increments.

I've grown to be a little concerned about a couple of my friends who have been hitting the Speed particularly hard in the last few months, and fair play, I hit it pretty hard for a few weeks with them, but they're getting out of control to the point where I'm worried about them and anyone who knows me knows that when I start worrying about someone's drug intake, there's really something wrong. But when I say 'hitting it hard' i mean like 10-14g gone per week, generally between thursday to sunday they won't sleep or eat at all.
Like I said, I did this with them for a few weeks, but they're keeping it up. I just hope that a stern word in their ears will be enough to bring them round, and at least have an eye on their own problem. It's all very well looking out for your friends and whatnot, but when one of them's a mother, and the other is her child, you have to start thinking "why am I looking after these two, instead of the mother at least looking out for her kid?".
I love them both to peices and I won't let them slip any further than they have.

I don't know what else to say really, so I'll end it here.

Good luck and congratulations to some, luvs and see-you-soons to others. ^_^

DrTazzle (aka: Stapler)

I Guess There's No Pleasing Some People...

Posted on 2007.12.12 at 21:32
I'm Sitting Front Of A Computer...: Home... Gash.
I'm Moshing To:: None.
I seem to have lost a little bit of the happiness I've gained over the last few weeks.

Rob and Sarah are planning on moving in together at the beginning of january, into a place on East Street, and try as I might, I can't help but feel jealous. It's completely unreasonable, and I feel like a retard at the same time, but I can't put an honest smile on my face at the moment.

I don't really know what else to say. My job's still going ok. It's my day off tomorrow, but i have to get up early to go to the fuckin dentist... I hate dentists, but I have a tooth that seems to be attempting to relocate to the other side of my mouth, and it hurts like hell. On top of that, my gums are in generally pretty poor condition, even though I brush my teeth twice a day.

So to top it off, I'm in pain, I'm being pathetic and jealous and I'm not quite as cheery as I was even yesterday. I am also bored shitless, sat on my own with nothing interesting to smoke or to help me relax after work.

Someone save me?

DrTazzle

Posted on 2007.12.03 at 13:46
I'm Sitting Front Of A Computer...: Home
I'm Moshing To:: Sikth - Eachother And Themselves
Ok, I find myself in... what feels like a very strange situation.

I have a girlfreind.

Yeah. I know. Even I have an eyebrow raised as I type this.

I don't know quite what to think, so I'm simply opting not to. I know I said I wouldn't be posting often if I did anymore on here, but I think this is definitely LJ-worthy.

Ok, her name's Sarah. She's 17, so barely within my age range, very much skirting the line, but I'm sorry, she's that gorgeous and I have such a good feeling about this that I just don't care.

I don't know what's going to happen from this, but so far, I'm really optimistic. We've been talking for a while, and kind of discovered a very mutual interest in one another. She was the subject of the previous LJ entry, and she fascinates me.

There are several significant points that give me this optimistic outlook (that of it that can be explained, that is):

She is the first girl EVER whose eye colour I've been able to remember off the top of my head. EVER. She has the most stunning eyes which, when combined with a beaming, beautiful smile make me spread the most moronic grin across my face. Occasionally she'll catch me with that grin, just looking into her eyes and say "What?" and all I can do is continue to grin inanely, or kiss her. Which I do.

She's the first person since Ev who I have not hesitated to get into a relationship with. Even though there was a bit of me that was terrified beyond reason, as I'm sure there will be for a while, I couldn't stop myself... It's like I was exploring a forest of my deepest fears, but I just couldn't resist the curiosity of what would happen if I could just.. get.. through...here...ooh! Fit girl!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, it’s now a couple of days later, and things certainly seem to be moving very quickly. I’m growing a very strong attachment to this girl, and I’d obviously be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly worried, but it is, as it has been, a risk I have to take if I’m ever to find happiness again.

Either way, I’m chuffed to bits with the way life is going at the moment, with the only things preying on my mind being my debt situation with the bank, the fact that I might not have any money for xmas presents and my upcoming 21st, and the lack of transport which will continue to suck until I get my license back, which isn’t exactly in the near future.

Every now and again, Sarah will turn to me, look into my eyes and tell me she “can’t believe she’s got [me]”. It never fails to surprise me when she says that, because it’s been a long time since anyone said that at all, let alone someone I can believe actually means it. She just seems to be genuinely happy to be my girlfriend, and I am genuinely happy to be the other half of that arrangement.

Given time, experience, and a lot of trust, I could quite easily fall in love with this girl, although I’m a long way from being able to say that to anyone at this point.

It’s not even like I’ve not had to physically stop my mouth from saying ‘I love you’ far too many times for my own comfort already, but I’m just NOT saying it. Not yet at least, and if/when I do, I’m going to mean it, and be sure that there’s at least a reasonably low risk of it all going shit-shaped at the next corner.

We’ll see how things go, eh?

Watch this space for more of The Epic of DrTazzle… Don’t Blink…

DrTazzle (aka: Star Of My Own Private Mental FreakShow)

To Those Who Replied With "Wtf?"...

Posted on 2007.11.15 at 14:55
The point is that I write on here and try to get people to comment on what I write because here is the only place that I can organise my thoughts sufficiently for it to make any sense whatsoever.

I can never express myself properly in speech because my mind wanders and no-one would want to sit there for an hour while I recant everything that's been going on in my life verbally, so I take my time and I type it. It's the only way I can properly express myself because I'm not gifted in the art of poetry or lyricism so I can't really vent musically, I don't have a very organised mind, so I can't just literally come to yours and pour my heart out. What you'd have ended up hearing would just have been disjointed gibberish, the points I needed to make would never have been made and I would have left with no more answers than I arrived with.

This IS me pouring my heart out. Here, on LiveJournal.com because it's the only place I can. You may consider this encouraging people to interact with me in the wrong way, but this is the only way I can properly communicate anything.

If I have something important to say to someone, I will always try to do so in writing, because I'm nowhere near as eloquent in speech as I am in writing.

I don't know why it's so much effort to get people to comment on here, and I just wish I didn't have to write some ridiculously melodramatic entry like the last one just to make people take notice, but since it seems necessary, the only comments I get are defensive ones about "No, really we ARE here for you" while ironically disproving the point by ignoring the IMPORTANT entries. I'm sorry, it's just not enough that you read them. If I just wanted people to read what I wrote, I might as well print up some pamphlets and hand them around town.

It's easy to say "Somone else'll comment", just as it's easy to say "someone else'll turn that light off/pick that bit of rubbish up," etc etc, but if everyone has that attitude, nothing ever gets commented/turned off/picked up.

But seriously, don't worry, you won't have to feel obliged to comment on my future entries because there simply won't be any.
I can understand that it's not always easy to comment on someone's LJ, but I don't understand why mine is so often uncommentable.


DrTazzle

Who Cares?

Posted on 2007.11.11 at 01:25
I Feel Like:: annoyedannoyed
Ok, I know I've said it before, but seriously, nobody reads anything I write on here, so I'll stick to writing things in Word and keeping them on my hard-drive.

So just don't be surprised if I don't post anything in here from now on. Not that any of you'll miss my entries, but you should know that knowing someone was reading, commenting on, and generally taking an interest in my entries and the life from which they spawn was very therapeutic for me, as I'm sure it is for all of you whose profiles aren't just scrolled straight past on the way to the important entries, otherwise you wouldn't post here, would you?

And that is exactly my point. I can't expect any of you to give a shit about what I write in here, I'll be amazed if anyone even reads this, but thanks for keeping your distance from me, 'cos you know, that's ALWAYS JUST what I need, right?

See ya. Having somewhere to vent and someone to vent at was nice while it lasted, I suppose.

DrTazzle (aka: No-one)


Ooh... A Long One...

Posted on 2007.10.17 at 03:45
I'm Sitting Front Of A Computer...: home
I'm Moshing To:: work the angles - dilated peoples
Hang on...

*Grabs a large peice of wood*

Life....*emphasises the physical contact with wood*... has been gentle to me over the last couple of weeks. Obviously there's been ups and downs, but there've been many more good things happening than bad.

Charlotte's 18th (Held at Ellie's in yapton) was a fantastic party, met some cool new people, saw some people I hadn't seen in ages, got nicely wasted, played guitar for a bunch of people (as I love doing so much), got thrown up on(less said the better!) and got some awesome pictures into the deal. I've been using one of my mum's digital cameras which will be handed-down to me when she gets a new one, and it's a fantastic camera, its only downfall being a woefully slow shutter speed. The only thing wrong with that party didn't go wrong until afterwards, but if someone had had their way, that party would have ended a very different way. Fortunately, some people are too chicken-shit to deal with their own problems and rely on the wrong people to do their dirty work. Either way, the party was great, I and many others had a fantastic time, and that's all there was to it. ^_^

The next weekend would be the preliminary party for Toni's 18th. Again, got nicely wrecked with some real close mates, had a fucking great time, as i always do round Toni's, and stumbled home at about 2am rrrraaaaattthhheeerr drunk on dark, country roads, wearing all black. I got home safe and passed. The fuck. Out.

Ooh! Ooh! Went to see DevilDriver on the 8th at the Wedgewood Rooms, supported by God Forbid, and someone else, courtesy of the quite wonderful Rob Ship (aka: Callonious) who paid for my ticket. Fucking legend.
God Forbid did an awesome job of really hyping up the crowd and getting them in the mood for a fucking vicious pit and a good going-mental-session. I think everyone remembers the DevilDriver circle pit at Download, yes? Imagine that pit. Then imagine it crammed into the Wedgers. IT. WAS. PURE. CHAOS. But oh my GOD what a laugh! FUCKING YES!!! *punches the air*

I really really needed to blow off that steam. It's always good top have freinds in the Pit, as we all know, and in that pit were Jon Kewell, MiniMark, BigMark, Luke Kennedy, Simon Mentasti, Rob, and myself. Rob was a particular laugh. While the rest were mainly either breif blurs of their normal form as they pass me in the Circle Pit at high speed, or fast approaching masses of metal-crazed man-flesh (particularly in BigMark's case) which all you can do is hope to get out of the way of, Rob was usually standing or moshing near me, and occasionally, we'd make eye-contact... One of us would gesture at a mini-mosher. The knowing grin. The nod. And we simultaneously grab a leg each and LAUNCH the little fucker into the Pit, or into the crowd ahead.

There's nothing like the kind of comradery you get at a gig, and the bizarre mix between this and pure, relentless, ruthless, every-man-for-himselfship of the whole thing is absolutely second to none. The same guy who broke your nose 10 seconds ago will now be doing everything in his power to protect you while he picks you up off the floor before you get trampled. Whoever that guy on the floor in the Cannibal Corpse shirt was by the way, no hard feelings yeah? I hurt my elbow on your face if its any consellation.

Then would come a party I instantly wished I hadn't bothered going to. It fucking sucked. I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasnt this... 23 people (all apart from me and say 3 others under 18) packed into one sardine-can caravan/mobile home thingy. Fucking chaos. My prized posession, my guitar had half a bottle of beer spilled, not just ON it, but IN THE FUCKING THING. Which of course, warped the wood, and now it won't stay in tune and the electro-gubbins for the jack output and EQ don't work. I am NOT fucking impressed by that, in ANY way... beleive me. But then again, my parents might be able to claim it on the house insurance, so all might not be lost just yet.

And the next day:

Aah, then the proper party... The one I'd been waiting for. The main event (until Kaye and Jamie's party that is, THAT'S the REAL big one!). Toni's birthday celebration... That was also a fucking giggle. Lots of smoking, lots of drinking, and a fair old bit of billy. I had pupils 7cm across, bright red cheeks, a dick like a button-mushroom, it was 2pm the day after the party and I had to somehow deal with my parents. Not that they'd ever know about the shrunken genitals, but it's always something I'm very conscious of on speed, even if no-one else is. I made my excuses for my lack of an appetite that evening and went to bed by midnight. By which time, I had been sitting in the garage for several hours, zoning out and typing on the computer, only pausing occasionally to stare for a half hour or so at the Hoover across the room which had decided to melt. I was pretty fucked, suffice to say...

Is it entirely without irony that at a time in my life where women are for some reason throwing themselves at me, that I am more scared of them than I have ever been? It's just nerves, really.
I'm still SO SO rusty at the whole dating game, not to mention the no-strings fuck game...But the nerves are fucking SEVERE and SEVERELY detrimental to any kind of romantic proceedings.
See most of these women are what I would class as FAR FAR beyond my league. I actually bottled a blatant opportunity to fuck a ridiculously fit girl today because I'm too much of a pussy. I have certain self-image problems that are not related to my self-loathing, but are a very real and understandable self-consciousness which anyone would be able to allow me, if only I could tell you about it. Sorry, but that's just way too personal. If you know what I'm talking about, feel FUCKING privelidged... You are truly special, and COMPLETELY trusted.

I'm not looking for a relationship anymore anyway. I'm enjoying being single for now. If someone turns up that changes that, and makes me rethink my theories, then so be it, I'm willing to be proven wrong in my course of action, but not for a while. There are one or two people for whom i would ALWAYS make an exception, but that doesn't seem likely to be an issue, so i'm on my course and happily sailing it.

The only thing left to do now is get a job. I WILL find a job. I too, have had enough of my defeatist attitude recently, it's counter-productive, it's pathetic, and as I've discovered, there's only so much of it people will put up with.

So I'm going to keep going with a chin held high and let's see what happens, eh?

DrTazzle (aka: Releived and Relishing The Peace)

I Have Been Suitably Chastised...

Posted on 2007.09.22 at 12:36
This is only going to be a breif entry, just to thank everyone for their very blunt, and straight-to-the-point way of commenting my last blog entry.

I think it actually had to take a whole bunch of my closest freinds giving me a verbal what-for to make me realise that I'm turning into a Pratley and making excuses for myself instead of seeing them as obstacles to be overcome.

I sincerely want to thank you all for the kick up the arse I so clearly needed and deserved.
You may be pleased to learn of my job interview on tuesday for the mailing room at Metro House. Can't be bad, can it? I have also signed up for a couple of recruitment agencies, I have sold my Mini, and am able to pay the fine I got a couple of weeks ago as a result.

I tried to call Charlie to give her the money I've owed her for ages, but Jamie picked up and judging by the yelling, and the hanging up of the phone, they don't want it... hmm.. oh well.

Anyway, again, a very sincere thank you to all this may concern, to everyone who commented my blog, and my closest freinds. Bear in mind that when I ask you to comment my LJ, I'm not necessarily looking for a pat on the back and a "It'll be alright".

In this case, for example, I needed, and appreciate the kick up the ass. So thank you.

I shall speak to you all soon. I love you.

DrTazzle (aka: The Suitably Chastised)

FUCK IT...

Posted on 2007.09.11 at 17:24
Yep, here it is, folks. The most recent of kicks-in-the-balls from life to the Tazzle has hit.

I got pulled over the other night, (for those of you that don't know) and as it turns out, had a VERY bald tyre or two.

Hear that?
........
...........
That's the sound of my driving liscence and last shred of hope flying out of the window forever. This is truly excruciating. One step forward, two steps back.

I'm judging by the COMPLETE abscence of ANY comments on my LJ entries of late that you're as sick of reading about shit going wrong in my life, as I am of writing it, so I'll keep this short. You've all heard the "I hate my life, why does everything keep going wrong for me?" shit a thousand times before, so i'll simply constrain them to within the limits of my own mind.

My only hope was to blame the garage that last MOT'd the car, as it was nothing like roadworthy when it supposedly passed it's test.

I'm only writing on here now because once again, I'm at a complete loss for ideas as to what to do about my shitty - and ever decomposing - life.

I've decided (in case any of you actually give enough of a shit about what I write here to read this, or..god forbid... COMMENT on it) to crash my car once and for all. I've picked the spot, I've decided what speed, what precautionary measures I'm going to take, and I'm doing it the day I get the letter from the DVLA telling me that I've lost my liscence.

I have of late lost all my mirth, but wherefore I know not.

I have also been shown a glimpse, a shining glimmer of what could be in one area of my life. Someone truly spectacular who had up until recently, been yet another of the great, unattainable dreams the likes of which I could never reach, but has now broken up with her fiancee. This is where it remains confusing.

She has a kid. 2 and a half years old, called Jozeph, he's a little legend, if just a little hyperactive at times. He sings to Smashing Pumpkins and has a worrying tendancy to try and swallow whole (bite-size to us, but nevertheless) Scotch Eggs. He is one of the confusing aspects. For one thing, the idea of being with someone who DEFINITELY ACTUALLY HAS a kid, instead of lying about having one, doesn't scare me much, despite my loathing for all things pink, wriggly and screaming. Ok, he doesn't scream much, thank god, he's past the age where he can shatter glass (and my nerves) using nothing but his voice, but he has learned about crocodile tears, and is learning just as rapidly that this has little effect on wether he gets his way or not.

Why aren't I running a mile already?

The girl, 22 years old, mother of one, resident of a 2 bed semi in Birdham is amazing. Honest, trusting, straight-forward, down-to-earth and beautiful to boot, I've been following her around like a love-sick puppy for the last couple of weeks or so. We kissed for the first time the other night, and while I have to say that things are moving scarily fast emotionally, never before has someone's kiss literally taken my breath away as hers does.

It started maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago, when she was telling me how bored, unfulfilled and unhappy she was with her Fiancee. I didn't for a second think that she might have been interested in me and was perfectly happy to be as good a freind as I could possibly be to her, as she had trusted me from the first day we met, during which she sent me off WITH HER CASH-CARD to get drinks and pizza from Tesco and Perfect Pizza respectively. I did a balance enquiry, just out of curiosity and saw that she had several hundred pounds in there! What a display of trust!

She sent me off with free reign over about £500 of her money on the first day we met. It was for that reason, apart from anything else, that I could never have brought myself to take the piss. I drew out and spent what was needed, and didn't touch another penny. During conversation some time later, she said to me "Well, if you had run off with my card and money and shit, I wouldn't really have minded, because you'd obviously have needed it more than I do." This is a woman with an infant to look after, AND a 2 year old son...(note the sly crack at the ex-fiancee) and she says that I would have needed it more than her? How selfless can someone be? I know some people are sitting there thinking "well fair enough, it's only money" but to those people I would point out that money, like it or loathe it, is how the world goes round and how we survive. It is for want of money that people starve, are killed, are denied medical treatment or legal representation, are beaten, raped, mugged, fired, hired, and so on.

Like it or not, everybody needs money, and I, having absolutely none, and to add insult to injury, a pair of cocks for parents who would rather cut my throat than spend the money to get the wound stitched up, see money as extremely valuable. I need money, because I have none.

I have the bank on my ass saying things like "you owe us £200." So i respond "But I don't have any money. i can't pay you at the moment." so they say "it's ok, we'll just charge you for not having any money."... Does anyone see the fundemental flaw with this already, or shall I continue? Well, for those that don't, I respond "How can you charge me for NOT having money? I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY FOR YOU TO CHARGE ME. You can see that for yourself! What? WHAT? FINE! Add more fucking charges! It doesn't bother me! You're still not going to be able to charge me money I DON'T HAVE..." My financial resources are in the negative... I have like -£200. If something's free, I can't fucking afford it. I have to raise £200 to be broke. It's fucking ridiculous.

As it is, my small bedroom (the smallest room in the house) consists of a bed, an empty wardrobe and some clothes on the floor. That's it. I have nothing else. I have my laptop and my guitar. I HAD my car, but it will not be long before that goes too. I will truly be left with nothing then... I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! SOMEONE FUCKING SAVE ME!!

But who am I kidding? No-one's fucking reading this. I've had ONE comment in the last few months, so I'm assuming you all have better, more interesting profiles to read and upon which to comment, seeing as everyone else seems to be getting an average of six comments per entry.

well frankly, thanks. It means fuck all to me, just as it means fuck all to you.
I'm fucking appalled at the number of people who could, but just refuse to find the time in their weeks to get in touch with me and at least give me a reassuring pat on the back and an "it'll be alright", wether it would be true or not.

I'm not wasting my worthless time here anymore. I've grown tired of being ignored.

Goodbye.
DrTazzle (aka: The Invisible Man)

A Sudden Lack Of Freinds

Posted on 2007.08.19 at 16:46
I'm Sitting Front Of A Computer...: My Parent's Place.
I'm Moshing To:: None.
I'm feeling so depressed today.
It seems that I have lost a large portion of the people that I until recently called my closest freinds.

Chris, Kate, Lou and Kay seem to have made short work of getting rid of me. As a result of this, I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no-one to do anything with. Yes, this is just a self-pitying whine that may well have been my fault, but either way, Chris and Kay will not accept an apology, wether it's an apology they deserve, or wether it's one just to regain the peace.

I really can't beleive that these people could so easily cast me aside. And I just cannot beleive that Chris is innocent. There isn't a jury in the world that wouldn't convict him if it went to court, and I know from past and personal experience that he is not trustworthy.

I don't know why this happened. I don't know why the fuck that twat Kay got involved either! It had FUCK ALL to do with him untill he started getting (violently) in my face and claiming that if I was calling Chris a liar, I was calling HIM a liar. I'm so fucking sick of these fucking CHAVS in sheep's clothing. I'm sick of the shallow cunts I had for friends, and I'm sick, above all, of KAY. Fucking prick. I'm SO FUCKING FURIOUS with that little faggot.

I have lost a massive chunk of my social circle, and it's ALL BECAUSE OF THAT FUCKING CUNT!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

And by the way, if I get any comments like the ones on my last entry, I will go fucking spare. Seriously, if you want to comment on my LJ, at least say something helpful.

Fuck it.


DrTazzle

Fucking Deers...Or... Deer.

Posted on 2007.08.17 at 01:44
They just don't like me...

Jumped out about a car-length in front of me as I was doing about 60mph around Goodwood roads.
Something said to me as i went for the brake pedal, "Meh, don't even bother..."
Huh? said I...
"Well you'll have more control if the front wheels AREN'T locked, right?"
Good point, thought I, and waited until after the inevitable impact to brake, considering that having no choice in the matter of hitting the creature, I could at least maintain control and minimise the damage.

I watched as the deer collided square on with the front of my car, and as it did, I pictured in my head the damage it had done. I pictured both lights gone? Bonnet bent? Radiator cracked? Bumper hanging off?

As the tyre-smoke cleared, I could see that the headlights were as they were, so that was ok, and there was no steam among the tyre-smoke, so chances were the rad was ok, and that only left the bonnet and bumper. I got out, checked on the state of the deer, which had been knocked into the undergrowth and was laying there looking more stunned than injured. It was still breathing and thought,

"Ok, you hit a cat, or a fox, or even a pheasant, and you can break its neck out of kindness, but what the fuck can I do about a fucking deer, besides hitting it with the car again? And I'm NOT doing that. I'd have to go through some trees to get at it, and it would fuck my car for sure."

I don't apologise for my lack of sympathy for road-kill particularly, but i did feel a pang of "Ah, well. That's a shame..." type feeling as I got back to the car.

It was dark, not streetlit at all, but there didn't seem to be any damage whatsoever. And there wasn't! Not a scratch, not a ding, not even an extra rattle over bumps. I think I'm starting to see the point in this car...

It's totally shit, but it does take fairly big knocks really rather well.

All in all, I'm chuffed, and I consider myself lucky to have got away from two potentially lethal collisions in better shape than the deers I hit.

Haha... I can't beleive my car didn't even notice that hit, damage-wise!

Hang on.... Shouldn't the airbag have gone off?
Wow... It really didn't notice...

DrTazzle (aka: Deer Victim) hahahaha!


Saved by the Kindness of Strangers...

Posted on 2007.08.12 at 01:49
I'm Sitting Front Of A Computer...: Kriss's house, Birdham
I Feel Like:: complacentcomplacent
I'm Moshing To:: N.A
I honestly dont know what's going on in my life at the moment. MySpace seems to be my main means of communication with the world, despite the fact that I do in fact now have a mobile again.

My number, for those of you that dont have it, is 07935302477.

I am operating a taxi service, whereby if you have petrol money I am more than willing to supply lifts to anyone, anywhere, as this has become my only source of money.

And on the topic of MySpace, it is through this website that I have met some amazing people, both online and in some cases, in person, who have been an immense help to me in recent times, and a couple of people who i haven't spoken to in a couple of years or more, who have similarly been a great help to me. To all those to whom this refers, although none of them read my LJ, I extend my heartfelt thanks.

I am currently sitting in the living room of one such person, who has been nothing but generous, kind, sweet and welcoming since I met her. We went to school together, although she was a couple of years above me, and she had watched me from afar, and seen some of my more memorable (at least for her) moments, and reminds me of some of the memories that I'm now even more convinced than ever that I had, until now repressed. And with good reason, it has to be said.

Anyways, I'm being rather rude and antisocial, so i'll be off now.

Love to all!

DrTazzle (aka: Saved by the Kindness of Strangers)

Complications And Their Implications...

Posted on 2007.07.28 at 09:00
I'm Sitting Front Of A Computer...: Nick, Jamie and Kaye's house, in Nick's room
I'm Moshing To:: N/A - would you beleive it???
Things seem, once again to be getting complicated and frankly a bit depressing.

With the ever-present financial problems, the fact that I am fast running out of the 2 months of car insurance my parents are paying for, a certain little whore still taking up a space in my head and throwing mental images and the like into my face at every available opportunity, job applications being handed in with no word in return (and along with that my hopes of finding employment dying) and still hating being single are all co-operating beautifully with each other in their common goal of making me miserable.

I'm so fucking sick of this, and i know i say it in every entry, but this really has got to change but the simple fact is that it's not likely to. My problems with finding employment lie in the fact that i have NO qualifications. I mean I didn't even get to sit the exams. NOTHING. Getting said qualifications takes a year at least, and I just dont have that kind of time to get a job. I cannot scab off my parents forever, nor my freinds even in the short term. I have become a burden and a drain on other people, and for that, I am deeply sorry, but at the same time grateful for your willingness to help me out.

I HAVE to remember to go sign on. I don't know what the hell it is, but something in me has complete contempt for the idea of signing on and getting benefits. I honestly dont have a clue what the hell is stopping me, but for some reason I JUST DONT WANT TO DO IT, and on such a deep-seated level that it shoves the idea out of my head as quickly as it enters it, so I never get to the job centre, or making that 45 minute phone call for which I get free money. FREE MONEY for fuck's sake! Why am i so overse to signing on? I really dont know. It's probably something to do with pride, but i dont understand that either. I've never claimed benefits, and for some reason I'm proud of that. I dont know why! I cannot tell you how much this bemuses and pisses me off.

Anyway, the whore that won't get out of my head, life, town, SOLAR SYSTEM, whatever, is still managing to cause me pain. Not in any direct way (apart from showing up at chris and kate's the other day.... I swear, I've never hit a woman without having to but...) but just because I keep hearing about her from Lou, and even more about the slut's new chav boyfreind, name of Gary. Fucking prick. Fucking WHORE. She's cheated on him fuckloads already. WHORE. Which only serves to reinforce my beleif that she cheated on me. Nobody changes so suddenly from what I thought she was to what she is now. Not that suddenly. ITS BULLSHIT AND WOMEN ARE UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TO BE TRUSTED.
But while simultaneously beleiving this with all my heart and soul, I still can't stand being single. I want to be with someone. Anyone at this point. I'm constantly assessing the viability of people I know, people I don't know, what could happen, what could go wrong, and I dont think it will be until I can stop all this over-analysing that I'll actually be ready to deal with a relationship.
I'm a very affectionate person, and all I want is someone to show that affection to. I dont want the pressure of a relationship, but I don't just want a fuck-buddy. I just want something casual. Something I dont have to think about, but for that to even be conceivable, it would have to be someone I know well, and well, let's just say, I've been blown out of the water on that one recently already. All the people I feel that I could trust with my feelings, that I'm attracted to, or i could relax with are all either not single, or intelligent enough to know better than to come within 20 feet of me if there was any scent of romantic intention.

Now THAT'S fucking depressing.

Sane, intelligent, or attractive women are not attracted to me, either because like I say, they know better, could easily get better, or already HAVE better.

Even Lee, who frankly I have given a fair amount of thought to trying to get something going with again, is grazing pastures greener. So I'm completely out of options. I'm actually alone, and there's really no-one out there who would even consider giving me a chance, and why should they? Hell, I wouldn't give me a chance. Fucking idiotic, gormless, ratty little retard like me, I don't blame you for steering well clear ladies, I'm just expressing emotions here.

So what am I to do? As I have proved to myself already, I'm fuckin rusty at the whole dating thing, and also beleiving that freindship makes the best foundation for a relationship, I would want it to be someone I know. But like I said, NOBODY is even looking in my direction.

Fuck it, i'll survive.

Meh, sorry to have a bit of an emo-rant, but shit, everyone's entitled to be a little emo every now and again, right?

My car needs a few things doing as soon as possible which will cost money i don't have, and has a couple more developing problems and things that require less immediate attention.

Fuck. I'm off guys.

Love to all.
DrTazzle (aka: Stig O' The Fookin Dump)

FUCKING FURY!

Posted on 2007.07.20 at 17:28
I Feel Like:: infuriatedinfuriated
I can't get any petrol because I have a spoiled, greedy, vindictive bitch for a sister, and no money. I can't get a job to get money because I don't have the petrol to go around finding a job.

Fuck it, I'm too angry to think straight. Fucking bitch. Fucking parents. Fucking baby.
Fucking petrol prices. Fucking Government. Fucking employers....
FUCK IT ALL!!!!
FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!
FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!
FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!FUCK!!


SSSSSOOOO FUCKING FURIOUS....

Being Deeply Loved By Someone Gives You Strength, While Loving Someone Deeply Gives You Courage...

Posted on 2007.07.16 at 13:41
I'm Sitting Front Of A Computer...: My front drive..o.0
I Feel Like:: rejuvenatedand elated. For ONCE!! ^_^
I'm Moshing To:: Billy Talent - Try Honesty
It's been a few days since my last entry because I've been quite busy, and could fairly easily turn this into one fuckin ma-hoo-sive entry, but I see that a lot of other people have also been posting huge entries that I haven't so far had time to read, so I'll try and short-hand things as much as possible.

I broke things off with chloe. We are in very diferrent places in our respective heads, her still beoing very much in the recovery/I want him/her back stages of her break-up, whereas I'm at the 'looking for someone to fill the hole' stage. It's not that I'm on the rebound so to speak, I've done the whole 'get laid for the fuck of it' thing, and to be honest, it wasn't really worth it. I mean physically it was, obviously, but mentally it didn't really do any good at all. It didn't make me any worse off either, so i suppose it's fairly irrelevant actually.

Hey, no harm, no foul. Both me and Kate have resolved any issues with Will Darvill, in my case just before the drag party at Kaye and Jamie's, and in Kates' case, AT the party.

And dear me, what a party that was.
Jamie, Kaye, Kay, Chris, Kate, Will, Alex, Steph, Dickie, Lou-lou, Chelle, Joe, Big Sam, Lucy, Ellie, Spammy McPratlus, Nick, and anyone else I might have forgotten all contributed into making Saturday Night a truly awesome celebration of three awesome people's birthdays.
And on that note, a big Happy Birthday (belated or premature, depending on who we're on about) to Jamie, Kate, and Ellie!

I love you all, you have made me love life again, thank you all so much.

I have such an amazing circle of freinds, the one thing i have always remained aware of and grateful for over the years, and especially recent months, and they have kept me going whilst rowing up the deepest and widest of shit-creeks by being my paddles.

Really, I love you all. You are perfect, each and every one of you. Don't ever change.

That's all for now, my lovely lovely freinds, so I shall leave you to contemplate individually, all the ways in which you have all served to help me throughout our freindship, and hopefully smile and pat yourselves on the back, and give yourself a hug from me for everything.

I love you all.

DrTazzle (aka: Suddenly Elated)

Oh God....

Posted on 2007.07.10 at 01:07
Ok, I'm still getting really mixed signals from someone and I dont know what she or I am waiting for when it coms to trusting one another. It seems that this particular person has more severe trust issues than me.

She just won't talk to me. This is unusual for me, as normally, people are big, loosely closed bottles of fizzy emotional water just waiting for a little provocation to pop that lid and let the tears or whatever flow, but she's actually really withdrawn, and prone to some of the most drastic mood swings I've encountered. One minute, giggling, having tickle fights etc, the next, she seems unconsollably miserable.

I wish I could do something as I hate to see good people unhappy, but she just won't open up to me yet. It's ok, I'm patient, I can wait, I'm just a little worried.

DrTazzle (aka: Pph....fuck knows...)


Could It Be.....? A POSITIVE ENTRY!!!

Posted on 2007.06.25 at 16:46
I'm Sitting Front Of A Computer...: Home
I Feel Like:: happyhappy
I'm Moshing To:: None...
Well Kate's Summer Party went exactly as predicted.

Not, admittedly and thankfully as predicted by yours truly however. This is looking to be the first positive entry in a fucking long time.

A whole pig on a spit, a bouncy castle, DJs, drink, drugs, tents and a lot of rather cool people.

I arrived at the party around 1500 ish i think, and helped set up the marquee and a tent, so was not of a great deal of use, and continued to play rounders, during which i proved to myself once and for all that my body was not designed for running. And nobody bothered keeping score. My team was vastly outnumbered, but it was fun all the same.

The DJ set up his amps and stuff and the music started. The smell from the whole pig on a spit filled the air and made my mouth water as the chef started cutting off the crackling and putting it on plates. You could really feel it going straight to the arteries. Luuuuhvley!!

At 4:30 me and Chris went to meet Kay at Nutbourne station and he followed us back to the party. We then went exploring the grounds and ended up sitting in a small, old wooden yacht round the side of the house, smoking away and chatting. At this point the people in attendance who i actually knew were Chris, Kate, Ellie, Kay and Nick. Kaye and Jamie were to arrive later on, and more and more people kept arriving rigt up until about midnight.

I spent my time hanging around Kay who had lent me his stab-vest in preparation for the Grinstead's arrival, which i was more than dreading. These guys were to be the single reason I couldn't relax, and was constantly looking over my shoulder. For hours, I was waiting for them to arrive and start shit. I had heard that they were going to head over after pub kick-out, and so, as 2300 loomed, i was getting even more nervous.

Then Ellie approached me with the announcement that she had just spoken to them, and they weren't arriving at all. Finally I got to relax and a massive weight was lifted from my chest. And i don't just mean the stab-vest, the weight from which still has my back and legs aching two days later. I spent the next half hour or so dancing at the DJs tent, went land-sailing again, and smoked up with some people I haven't seen in years, some i've never met, and some people I see all the time and are close friends of mine.

While I was dancing, a guy came up to me who i recognised only as someone I haven't seen in years and years, and shook my hand. He leaned in and said "Hey man! I haven't seen you since High School!" I still didn't know at this point if he was going to turn nasty at that point, as sentences like that have, in the past been followed shortly by a fist, but instead, i got "look, i don't care what anyone says, I always respected you for what you beleived in."

I have no idea what this meant, and maybe he was just fucked, but it touched me, you know? I mean high school was the very definition of unmmittigated HELL for me, and for someone to come up and say that to me about a time that was so completely miserable for me really meant a lot, wether he or I new what he was talking about or not. I appreciated it and it left me with a smile for quite a while after that.

The Bouncy Castle was used and abused to its full potential. 20 rather intoxicated people on a bouncy castle, all just taking eachother out. It was fantastic, despite the mild concussion, bruises and damn near broken nose I got in the process. T'was FUCKING funny. Loved it.

This really is remarkable. One good party has gien me a slightly brighter view of the world, and I managed, even if only for a day, to forget about that vicious, poisonous little whore I call my Ex, and have a fucking good time with some fucking cool people.

I'm so happy that I've managed to glean something positive out of the last couple of days, and this is basically just what i needed to lift my spirits.

Thank You Kate, and everyone involved for throwin a fucking awesome bash...

Love you all!

DrTazzle (aka: Astounded at the possibility of writing a happy entry!! YAY!!)

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!!!!!

Posted on 2007.06.20 at 03:46
I am about as pissed off as I could conceivably be right now. Try as I might, I CANNOT avoid mention of Ev and her recent antics. Snogging and having a shower with Crystal for free coke while a binch of guys stood around with camera phones. I really hope that gets all over chichester and fucks her for it, but I pray to fucking god that I never see it.

But the main reason for my fury is the fact that Kate's infamous Summer Party is coming up on saturday, as I'm sure all of you know as most of you will be in attendance, but I will not be. Forced away from the biggest party in chichester with the biggest collection of my freinds imaginable by the presence of between 4-8 particular people.

I will not be able to go to what is sure to be the party that will be talked about for months because of the presence of YVETTE BRIND, SIMON GRINSTEAD, JOE GRINSTEAD, BEATBOXING, EV-FUCKING JASON, CHUNK, ETC ETC ETC.

These people, in particular the Grinsteads, Ev and Chunk, have managed to make the last remaining days that i will be able to survive in this fucking town ACTUALLY UNBEARABLE. Thanks to them, I will be missing out. And as i said, everyone is guaranteed to be talking about it for months, and there will be no escaping it. MySpace, LiveJournal, friend's houses, NOWHERE will be safe from stories about that fucking party. I might as well dig myself a fucking great big hole and just die in it.

I cannot beleive how much misery these people can cause me. It does not make sense. WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE FUCKING HELL BENT ON MY DESTRUCTION??? WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER TO TO THEM?? NOTHING! I HAVE NEVER EVEN SAID ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY OFFENSIVE TO ANY OF THEM, AND YET THEY CONTINUE TO RUIN MY LIFE!!! WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????????????????????????????????????


ME;KFUHAESR;IUGHPOAERIJC[FMOIJAJRICIUDGFIBSNDFJGVHBFDKGBLDFSJUB;USNPDFIVUNERUYBFG7R8IF4B98HF9O238HIRUDWEALIUBFLIUH4PCR8HFPQI38HEJF[P98JPQ 3948RH 4RHP3498 HRP98 4RP98UQ324P89R54DF;KJNDFLKJSBNDF;KJNASD;FJNLAEREH FLAHRBIUFN;J VH ;FUVJNF;J V;JFV;OINFD;KJ A;FKJ ;AKVMA;KDSNMF; AEROIJGOIAFJDOSAGIOFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDSJFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFLKSJDLCCCCCCCMMCSDIJFOIJEDOFIJEOIJFFUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF CUKF FUCCK FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

IM ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOSING IT NOW....

FUCK IT ALL,
FUCK THIS WORLD
FUCK EVERYTHING THAT YOU STAND FOR
DONT BELONG
DONT EXIST
DONT GIVE A SHIT
DONT EVER JUDGE ME

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A LITTLE MAN NAMED ROD WHO DID NOT HAVE A MIND OF HIS OWN. JUST WENT ALONG WITH HIS PATHETIC LONELY LIFE. EVEN WHEN HE WENT TO SCHOOL TEACHERS SAID JUMP AND HE JUMPED AND HE JUMPED AND HE JUMPED AND HE JUMPED AND HE FELL ON THE FLOOR. NEVER DID WELL, DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, SO HE MOVED AWAY, GUESS WHAT? ALL CHANGED NOW! IT WAS NOT TO BE, THE WORLD TO HIM TO SAY MERCY! OH, MERCY!
HE'S GOT TO GET A JOB, HE WANTED TO GO SOMEWHERE AWAY FOR A WHILE, SO HE WENT TO WORK AT THE DOCKS AS A CABIN BOY
"GET ON YOUR KNEES AND SCRUB THE DECKS! I WANT TO SEE YOU SWEATING! MAKE SURE YOU'RE IN MY QUARTERS AROUND HALF PAST TEN THIS EVENING!"
HE DIDN'T LIKE THIS ONE BIT. HE'S GOT TO GET ANOTHER JOB, SO HE JUMPED OFF THE BOAT AND SWAM TO THE SHORE TO WORK ON THE BEACH IN A BAR.
HE MET A GIRL WORKING THERE JUST LIKE HIM, NOT TOO PRETTY, NOT TOO PRETTY. SHE WAS LONELY JUST LIKE HIM. THEY HAD A FEW DRINKS AT THE BAR AND THEN WENT TO HIS ROOM, WENT TO HIS ROOM AND MADE SWEET LOVING TO EACH OTHER'S ONLY FREIND. ONLY FRIEND.
ONE NIGHT WHEN HE WALKED OUT OF HIS ROOM, HE HEARD A VOICE SHOUT "BOY!! GO PICK THE DEAD RATS OUT OF THE DRAIN!!" FIRST DAY, BUT IT'S OK, FROM THEN TALKS TO RODNEY LIKE SHIT ALL DAY, BUT ROD DOESN'T DO ANYTHING HE JUST SUCKS IT ALL UP, HE THINKS FUCK IT, I'LL PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT I'VE GOT A GIRL AND A FREIND, I DONT NEED NOTHING ELSE.
AS RODNEY GAZES AT MIRANDA.
"YOU LIKE THE LADIES HUH? I SEE YOU GOT GOOD TASTE, MIRANDA VERY NICE GIRL, VERY NICE GIRL..."
"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING, SAY IT!"
"YOUR GIRL MIRANDA?"
"YEAH WHAT OF IT?"
"SHE'S VERY GOOD AT EXPRESSING HER AFFECTION FOR HER FREINDS, SHE'S YOUR GIRL, MY GIRL, EVERYBODY'S GIRL!"
"SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU AND AL THE OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS HERE BAR HAVE BEEN WITH HER?! BUT NOBODY'S COME IN HERE FOR DAYS, APART FROM A COUPLE OF PISSHEADS!"
"SHE HAD LOVELY TIGHT CHEEKS!" --- "NOT AFTER I SAW TO HER"
ROD WAS FURIOUS, ROD SAID TO MIRANDA:
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?"
"AFTER I WAS WITH YOU MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED!"
"SO YOU GOT THE CONFIDENCE TO DISGRACE YOURSELF?"
"NO LONGER DO I WANT TO BE A SLAVE"
WHAT? WHAT DID SHE SAY?
ASKED MIRANDA WOULD SHE SAY SORRY, "YOU'RE WEIRD, STAY AWAY FROM ME!"
SO HE PUT SOME LAXATIVES INTO HER TEA....
AND HE WAS ON HIS OWN AGAIN.


LIFE IS DEPRESSING. DEATH IS NOT. I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE LOGICAL ROUTE TO HAPPINESS IS.


SOMEONE PLEASE DISAGREE WITH ME, OR SOMEHOW MAKE IT WORTHWHILE FUCKING LIVING!!! PLEASE!!!!!

Posted on 2007.06.17 at 04:41
I'm Sitting Front Of A Computer...: Home
I'm Moshing To:: Lost in the K-Hole - Chemical Brothers
Ok, now i'm really pissed off. Once again, "life" has proved to me that if something really does seem to good to be true, it almost definitely is.

My plans to go to somerfield have now been altered drastically, or for all intents and purposes, cancelled. LouB (the girl i was supposed to be moving in with) has just been accepted to Brighton Institute of Modern Music, and is moving to brighton in September.

This is just another perfetly timed and aimed kick in the preverbial nad-sack, as this really did seem to be the most viable way of me getting the fuck out of here that has presented itself since... ever, and this being snatched from under my nose just as I'm about to take that chance has got to be one of the final straws remaining.

I was really looking forward to meeting LouB, as we get on really well online, and it would at least have been an experience whether it went well or not. It would have been an awesome road-trip and now i feel like I've made a lot of fuss with my friends and everything for no reason whatsoever. I know this isn't good, but once again, my natural pessimism has served me well; don't get your hopes up and you won't be disappointed. I knew something like this would happen, and i don't mean "I had a feeling", i fucking KNEW IT.

Nothing that good comes to the Tazzle. I don't know why i thought for a second that it would. I guarantee that i fail my driving test again on the 18th as well. That's another of the pleasures of which the universe has decided that Taz is not worthy.

WHY CAN'T I JUST GIVE UP???

Why do i keep getting these little glimmers of hope that stop sparkling as soon as i get half way towards them?

Even if i do go to minehead to meet LouB, it will only be half the plan, and it's the one that i really NEEDED in order to clear my head and begin my search for some kind of inner peace, but now the war is destined to rage on, metaphorical blood to be spilled, and shit to hit the old caked fan.

I'm so fucking sick of this. Really I am. WHEN will I GET MY SHARE? Why am i getting so much more than my share of shit, and none of the good luck that so many other people seem to be getting and not even realising it. People keep talking about fucking Karma... That just pisses me off.
"It's Karma mate, I bet you're due a fucking big payback of good karma some time soon..."

Sorry, are we Mystic Meg now? If this truly IS karma, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS??
And what the hell is the "Karmic payback" going to be? How the fuck is it going to make up for a lifetime of abject fucking misery, disappointment, setbacks, losses and fuck-ups? This, i cannot wait to see. Karma does not exist, it's a bullshit rationalisation for the un-fucking-beleivable shitness of the world, and "life".

The word "life" is in inverted commas, because the way my "life" is is NOT LIVING. I do not feel alive, i don't feel like i have a life, as i have nothing that is constant, reliable or stable in my life with the exception of my friends.

My one consollation is the fact that i have friend's houses to which i can retreat and hide from the fucking cunty-ness of my "life".

I wish more than anyone that i or someone had a magic wand they could wave and make my life perfect, but it's never going to happen. A big cash sum would sort my life out, i swear. As much as many don't want to beleive or accept it, money makes the world go round, and YES, money CAN make you happy. I would be happy if i had money. I would go fuck off and buy myself a place far away from here, and start my life afresh from half-way through.

It's filled me with a numb kind of nihilism, that i just hate. I dont like the feeling that everything is destined to fail but it's what I've been taught is inevitable, as much as your face getting burned if you try to kiss a bonfire. Everyone else gets to kiss the unlit kindling, but by the time i get to it, it's always 20 feet high and has, in a matter of second turned into a towering, blazing inferno.

I used to say that £5000 would sort my life out, and i could be happy, but shit has changed since then. i honestly think it would have to be a fucking lottery win to make all this bullshit worth going through for one more day.

I wake up every morning/day, and ask myself what the fuck the point is. I have yet to give or receive an answer. I think the question requires elaboration. 'What' I should ask myself, 'is the point of trying anything? What is the point of day after day hearing possibilities and ideas about how to proceed about my life when every single possibility is an impossibility?

I remind myself that i still have friends, and i can go to them and forget as much as possible for as long as possible, but invariably i am drawn back to the same pit of depression, despair and misery that encapsulates me every single night as i try to get to sleep. If you've noticed the time at which this entry wass posted, you can probably guess that i haven't yet slept. I daren't allow my mind to wander, because it always gets stuck in that same sticky patch of hopelessness.

My god I'm pathetic.

I know i keep saying it, but now, i REALLY don't know what to do. Before at least I had something to look forward to, but seeing as how i'm certain to fail my driving test anyway, and my parents' generosity is guaranteed not to extend to subsidising MORE driving lessons and ANOTHER test, this looks to be the end for me. This looks to be the point at which i throw up my hands to the world and say "Fuck it. You win. Uncle. Please, anything to end this incessant stream of fucking bullshit that continues in its endless tyrade, aimed at destroying my very being and everything there attached.


I dont think people should be allowed to refer to things that don't exist. Like hope, like a calm, peaceful life, karma or this goddamn fucking majic wand everyone wishes they could wave.
I want to stop posting untill i have something good to write about, but since i really can't see that happening any time soon, that could take a while, and i will definitely have something else fucking shitty to write about soon.

With my luck, all my friends and family will be killed by a freak meteor storm and i will be literally left with nothing. Fuck it, i'm just waiting for it to happen now, so if you find yourself with a surplus Taz hanging around your abode from time to time, or too often, just bear in mind that I'm trying to spend as much time with all of you as possible before you, like everything else has been, are taken away from me.

DrTazzle (aka: Rebel Without A Fucking Clue...)

Posted on 2007.06.15 at 03:26
Ok, this is just a quick update, because I'm feeling a bit weird.
So, to summarise the last few days...

My Granddad's funeral is tomorrow morning. I'm really not looking forward to it, but its my last chance to say goodbye, which i really need to do since i didn't get to see him in his last couple of weeks, and while i regret that, i'm kind of glad that the last time i saw him he was reasonably healthy and happy.

Ev beat the shit out of her step-sister with a metal pole the the other day. My fucking christ what has happened to that woman??
If you check my MySpace blog, you will read the letter that i wrote a while ago that i wasn't going to send her, but in the end decided i had to. Nick delivered the letter for me, and says that the reaction was hilarious. Being (unsuprisingly) pissed at the time she read it, she spent the next hour going through the letter point-by-point and shouting about it.
Man, I wish I'd seen her face. THAT would have been a Kodak moment.

Umm....
I'm really bored with life. Nothing worth remembering seems to be happening (with the obvious exception of the passing of my grandfather), and i can see myself slipping into that old rut of smoking as much as possible, being totally nocturnal, and generally doing nothing of any use to anyone.

I've got laid the past two days running. :D NEEDED to get that out of my system. No comments as to whom, but it left me with a bigger grin than i've had in a while. I told Nick to tell Ev, but he hasnt yet.... Heheheheh... that's guaranteed to be another Kodak moment.

I'm steadily losing my optimism about the end of the month (ie: my driving test) because instead of time going by, as is usually the case, my test, and my relocation to pastures greener seems only to be getting further and further away. The longer I wait, the more i lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know it's always the case that when you're waiting for something really good to happen, it takes longer than is bearable, but this is ridiculous. It's the 15th, my test is on the 28th. another 2 weeks. That. is. far. too. long.

Man, I've got to book some more driving lessons and stop driving the escort about. I'm only reinforcing the bad driving habits that i'm trying to get rid of with the driving lessons. each time i drive it, i'm moving myself back a step, and i know it, but anyone who's been in my situation knows that once you have the practicality of mobility in your life, it's damn near impossible to resist being able to go where you like, when you like. But i must do it. Even if only for two weeks, it must be done.


Anyway, I need to get some sleep before the funeral tomorrow, which promises to be a very painful experience indeed, but at the same time, i wouldn't miss it for the world.


R.I.P Paul Gaffney 1938 - 2007.



DrTazzle (aka: The Mourning)

Another Loss...For Fuck's Sake.

Posted on 2007.06.10 at 04:08
The last month has been a particularly eventful one, in one way or another.

I have lost my job, my girlfreind, i failed my driving test and now i have lost my Grandfather. He died around 3am on 9th June 2007 from throat cancer. He was, i am assured, heavily sedated and not in any pain. But they always say that, don't they?

I haven't been able to bring myself to go and see him in the Chapel Of Rest in the hospital, although i've found it difficult to greive in any real way, but that again, is the story of the last couple of months of my life.

I have it seems, disengaged the part of me that feels pain when something is lost. At least partially. Fuck man, i'm actually losing everything. I'm so fucking depressed it's actually unbeleivable.


And this is depressing. In every way other than the crying, music tastes and clothes, i'm everything we stereotype Emos as being. Never happy. Always fucking complaining about something or other.
And I'm bored.
I can't stand to be here.

At the time when i got the first phone call from my mum, me, Kay and Chris were steadily working our way through seven grams of coke, an eighth of speed and enough weed, so i was quite fucked, and didn't really know to react, or how i should react when she told me that my grandfather was dying. She said the doctors thought that he might have held on for a couple more days, but that they thought he'd be gone by morning.

And sure enough, he was. At around 4am (a couple of hours later) my mother called again to let me know that he was gone, that he hadn't suffered, and that we all had to be allowed to greive in our own respective ways, whatever they might be.

Anyone with whom I may have been short with recently, (particularly those who read my LJ) I apologise sincerely, and i hope, that given the startling scarcity of anything good in my LJ over the last two years will understand why. My life has been nothing but a great big long shit smear from day one, and once again, i apologise if occasionally i take it out on people who don't deserve it. But I rarely regret the things I say, only the way in which i say them.

The issues mentioned in the comments of the last entry (some will know what i'm talking about, some wont) have NOT been disregarded, but i do apologise for wording them so harshly. Nevertheless, however i worded it, I had a point to make, and regardless of the phrasing, i stand by the essence of what I said. If you're going to comment, make it something useful, or at least sincere and/or relevant to the entry. Surely it's only common courtesy?

One day i'll be able to put a positive entry in here. one day. I have no idea when that will be, but surely, ONE day out of those that i have left on this planet will go well? Right?

DrTazzle (aka: Perpetually P.O'd)


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